Girls who are not looking for marriage are stumbling on it AND those who are desperate for it can’t find it, Says Dr. Akyala.
Generally speaking, ladies in our society divide their adult lives into four distinct phases.
PHASE ONE: Play time (Age 19-22) This is a period where, Cyndi Lauper’s song says, “girls just wanna have fun”. When a man asks her out, she comes along with three of her roommates and wonders why he was frowning throughout the evening and drinking only water. She shares almost all her mischief with her friends and they have a good laugh over it. At this stage of their lives, girls see men as playthings; During this phase, any suggestion of a serious relationship is dismissed with the contempt reserved for fun-spoilers.
PHASE TWO: Open time (Age 23-28). In this period, girls still want to have fun, but not just fun. They want to have fun with a purpose. They are looking to grow in love and get married (in that order). At this stage, her ideal man is no longer a set of qualities she wants, BUT a workmate, a churchmate, a gymmate…in other words, someone within. She knows him and sees him frequently. As she gets dangerously close to 28 and the man of her fantasies is not any closer to making a move, she widens her net. Then she starts bidding. Her open bidding process lasts a year without a single bid, then reality hits. She looks back at all the bidders she threw out without consideration and none of them looks back. In fact, most of them are probably happily married or inviting her to their wedding meetings. Tick, tack, tick, tack…Time is going……….
PHASE THREE: Desperation time (Age 29-33) She is now 29, which means 30 is just 365 days away. As the days go by, she forgets that marriage involves two people. She tries to take the bull by the horns, so to speak. Now she can only date ‘serious’ people.
And this creates two discernible dangers for her.
1. Her definition of a serious man is one who is willing to have the second date at her parent’s home, and the third date at their wedding reception. Any man who can be rushed like that is either a very old man or a conman.
2. At this stage, a girl has lost the ability to fall in love, all she wants is to fall in marriage. Men notice this attitude from a distance and take off.
PHASE FOUR: Single motherhood (Ages 33 ———) When the prospect of marriage seems to be vanishing with the horizon, it’s time to look for any prospective man He must be responsible, good looks are an added advantage.
Remember those distinct phases; Play time, Open time, Desperation time and Single motherhood. Anyone who has been through campus knows all about the nightmare of registration.
You get to the faculty and there is a queue of students waiting to enlist. Exams are around the corner and you must complete the process in time or you miss out. But the lady in charge of the registration process looks tired, bored, demotivated and desperate. Hanging above her desk is a notice that reads: “A delay on your part does not constitute an emergency on ours.” And she has a point. The office was open throughout the semester but no one showed up to register until the final few days. And now we expected her to jump up and down at our work.
Back to the subject of marriage. From observations, girls who end up in stable marriages are those who use their Open Time wisely. But so many girls tend to abuse their Open Time in one of the following ways.
1. The dream man In every group,there is a man who is seen as the ideal husband for most girls. He is the man of their fantasies.
The trouble is; that prize man is being eyed by twenty girls; all of whom are hoping to win the race. He plays ‘good friend’ to all the girls and keeps them hanging on the cross of hope.When he eventually proposes to one, he leaves nineteen others flat on their faces.
Their Open Time is coming to an end and Desperation Time is knocking on the door.
2. Ideal vs Available Then they wake up to the realisation that they wasted their Open Time. So when she wakes up from her disappointment, all the men who were interested in her, the men whose proposals she threw out, have moved on and they seem happily married. If only one of them would come back she would gladly take him in, but none of them returns.
4. A delay on your part… Like those men don’t want to talk about marriage on the first or fourth date. They don’t want to meet your parents before they are well acquainted with you. Don’t expect the world to align itself to your desperation. There are certain things you cannot push; the only pushing you will do is pushing prospective husbands away from you.
Now for some advice:
* Don’t waste your open time pursuing a so-called dream man. He is probably not worth it. A dream man today might turn out to be a loser tomorrow. That’s usually the case. Remember those men whom you celebrated in Secondary School. Where are they now?
The man you turn down today because he doesn’t meet your lofty aspirations might turn out as the dream man tomorrow. If you cannot catch a buffalo, settle for an antelope.
* Remember, the people who are desperate did not end up that way because they didn’t have opportunities; no……. they ended up that way because they spurned their opportunities.
* God doesn’t see us for what we are, He sees us for what we can be.